This Is How It Feels

Some days, it’s like there’s white noise all around the inside of my brain.

It’s like there’s a static noise in my head. For anything to get into my head and make sense, it has to penetrate this fog of noise. For anything to come out of my head and to be useful and coherent, it has to travel all the way through that white cloud that’s blurring the world and making everything hard.

Some days it’s like my thoughts get stuck on loop.

I keep repeating the same (usually untrue or unhelpful) concept or idea or set of words – anything really – over and over in my head, because I can’t shake the hold it has on me. I can’t redirect my thoughts. When I try my brain sabotages me and I end up back where I started, fixated on the same idea I was trying to escape.

Some days I have to sing all the words to hymns I know to drown out the chaos.

I’m scared to hear where my thoughts are going and I can’t convince my brain to think about productive or useful things – so I sing ‘How Deep The Father’s Love For Us’ or ‘Come O Come Emmanuel’ until I don’t want to think the bad thoughts anymore.

Some days I can only articulate my thoughts in the written word.

So I write and write and write and write until there are no more words. The important thing isn’t that people read what I have said; it is that I have found words for what I am feeling.

Some days, all this or some of this happens and I can function anyway. I can be polite and social or at least not catatonic. Other days I am blank eyed and mute, unable to form coherent thoughts or follow complex arguments.

Some days my rocky mental health makes me run from people, run from deep emotional connection and hide from the world, isolated and alone. Other days it makes me cling to the people who make me feel safe, who understand the mess inside me and just take each day with me as it comes.

Some days I get sad for no reason. There’s no one thing wrong – it’s just that I have depression, and sometimes my mood is illogical or unstable. Sometimes I get sad. Sometimes I get very very sad. Then sometimes, it will go away again.

I’m not trying to shift blame or excuse my actions – I’m trying to explain. Things aren’t easy at the moment and this is how it feels. Getting through a work shift or focusing for an hour to work on an assignment take a huge amount of energy and effort. Little things can unbalance and upset my day, can derail my thoughts and leave me wobbly.

This is how it feels, at least right now. If I had more words, more insights, I would share them. If I had more answers, I would share those too. But I don’t. This is all I have right now. The reality of my lived experience. The sadness I carry and the fears I hold.

I’m hoping one day it won’t feel like this, at least not so much. I’m hoping for a good day, then another good day, and then eventually some good days in a row until suddenly I can’t remember the last bad day.

That’s all I’ve got right now.


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